I Still Can't Believe You're Gone

I'm trying really hard to get back into some kind of routine around here. I just feel kind of hollow right now. I feel like I'm going about my normal day but it all feels so different. I went to Weight Watchers Wednesday and then out to lunch with Lorne. It felt weird to think that life has been going on as normal since April 7th when Aunt Tisha died. I still can't believe that she's really gone. I know that we all deal with grief differently, but I wish that I could feel better already. I have never lost someone this close to me before. My Papa died when I was just six and my Nana died in 2002, but she and I were never close so I didn't feel like this when she died which is horrible to say but it's true.

Mom called the morning of April 4th as I mentioned in a previous post. She said that Aunt Tisha was asking for Dad and that Uncle Larry said that we needed to get down there to see her. Mom got a call from Paula who is married to Uncle Larry's brother George. I just knew that this was a bad sign. We were told starting in December that AT couldn't have any visitors PERIOD. Even Dad didn't get to come into the house when he went to see her before he left for Wyoming. That has been the toughest part to get over I think. It has been so hard not knowing exactly what the doctors were telling her, and not being able to SEE her and hug her. I would talk to her on the phone but it just wasn't the same. Now I am feeling so much guilt over that, too, because I know that I could have called her, should have called her more. Why oh why didn't I call her more? Now I can never talk to her again. If you love someone let them know every chance you get because you never know when will be the last.

Mom said that she was trying to get Dad on a plane that day and that he would fly into Hobby Airport. I was thinking that I could also catch a Southwest flight and be at Hobby around the same time as Dad. My level-headed husband came to the rescue like he always does. He said that he could get the rest of the week off and that we could all go down as a family. We hit the road around 7:30 that night and got into Van Vleck around 1:00 Wednesday morning. Dad got the last seat on the last flight and got into Houston around 9:00 and he and Mom met Matthew and Jackie at M.D. Anderson. They only got to see AT for a few minutes I think.

Lorne and I rode up to M.D. Anderson with Mom and Dad on Wednesday morning. Sawyer stayed with Lorne's dad. He and Sawyer went to get Velma from work that afternoon. I was not prepared for what I saw when we got there. AT wasn't there. I mean, she was there, but it just wasn't her anymore. I would never get to see the true AT again. That broke my heart. We were in her room for about two minutes when she asked us to leave. As we were walking out she said. "I loved ya'll." That was more than I could take...she LOVED us; past tense. I remember Lorne reaching out for me to hug me once we left the room but I turned away. I don't know why I did that, but I couldn't be consoled in that moment.

Mark drove in that morning from Louisiana and he and Matthew and Jackie met us at the hospital. I can't remember if they went to see her that morning or not. We spent what seemed like hours in a little family room waiting for them to release AT to hospice care. They told UL that there was nothing more that they could do and so he said that he was taking her home. He wanted her final days to be spent at her home. She was taken by ambulance and we all followed.

The rest of the day and the days that followed were like a surreal blur. I could never wrap my brain around what was happening. How could AT be dying? Why was this happening, why now, why her? I had so many questions and so much anger, but it was never addressed, never mentioned. We just spent hours and hours talking about stuff that didn't even matter. We were doing anything to keep our minds off of what was happening only a few doors away.

Uncle Larry told us repeatedly that he was glad that we were there. I kept wishing that I could have been there when she was feeling better. I wish that she hadn't had that stupid infection for all of those months and we could have had more time. Why couldn't we have been given more time?

George, Paula, and her sister Renee were there with us on Wednesday. Renee flew in on Wednesday and was going to be able to stay for a week. She was also a friend of AT's. I know this whole experience was also extremely difficult for her. She was not only a friend but she also helped the hospice nurses. I know that she must have had a really long night Wednesday because the hospice nurses weren't there yet to help.

I went in to see AT every once in a while. She kept telling me that I could go, that everyone in the living room could go home. I told her that I had come down to see her and that I wasn't going anywhere. It was tough to hear her repeating that, but I knew that she probably didn't know what she was saying at that point.

We went back to VV on Wednesday night. It was so great to see Sawyer after such a stressful and exhausting day. Lorne stayed with Sawyer on Thursday. I rode back to Sugar Land with Mom and Dad on Thursday morning. The hospice case manager was there when we got there. She told us that she was giving AT 24-36 hours to live based on her vitals and that was at 9:00 a.m. She died at 8:05 Friday night. She had twenty-four hour hospice care from that point. Sharon was the first nurse and she was really nice. She encouraged me to talk to AT and spend as much time with her as I wanted. I remember one time that I was in with AT and she was especially restless. I asked AT to think of the fields of England and Scotland with the lush greenery and to feel the wind rushing through her hair. I asked her if she remembered and she said she remembered. She rested for almost twenty minutes after that. I just stood there, stroking her hair and her cheeks, feeling like the most helpless person in the world.

Lorne and Sawyer spend the day at Ty and Jamie's house in Sugar Land. They were just a few minutes down the road so they stopped by the house after Sawyer had lunch. We had been debating for the previous few days whether or not it would be okay for her to see Sawyer. We asked the VITAS (hospice) case manager and she said she thought it would be wonderful for AT to see him. Neither Lorne nor I were worried about Sawyer's reaction. He is too young to even remember the encounter at all, and if the nurse said that it would be a positive experience for Aunt Tisha then we were all for it.

We brought him in to see her and something truly magical happened. Her face lit up into a smile as she exclaimed, "There he is! Hi Sawyer!" It was like a miracle. It looked as if she had just awoken from a nap, not like she had only a few hours left with us on Earth. Sawyer stroked her cheek with his chubby baby hands in much the same way that I had been only a few hours before. I was so glad that I got to be there in that moment. Mom mentioned that she wouldn't be going back into her bedroom because that was how she wanted to remember Aunt Tisha. It was a moment that I will forever cherish.

Lorne and Sawyer headed back to Ty and Jamie's house soon after that. Uncle Larry's mother and some close friends were there that afternoon also. One of Uncle Larry's brothers (he has four) and his wife also visited for a while.

I told Mom and Dad that I wanted to stay the night that night. I didn't want to leave. When Nana died I found out from Mark over the phone while I was at Melissa's house in San Antonio. Nana had a closed casket so I never got to "say goodbye" and that is something that I will never forget. I didn't want to miss that chance this time.

Uncle Larry told us on Thursday that she had requested a closed casket, no visitation, a gravesite only service, and that she wanted to be buried next to her father if possible. Uncle Larry spoke with her and prayed with her around 4:30 Thursday morning and then he never went back into her room as far as I can remember. She also stopped asking for him from that point on. It was as if they had both made their peace with what was about to happen. All day Wednesday and even before that he didn't leave her side except for minutes at a time. She would ask for him every time that one of us would sit with her for a few minutes while he took some time for himself. He had a shower Wednesday for the first time in four days. I can only imagine how difficult this entire experience has been for him. I can imagine that he must feel like he has lost a part of himself, part of his very soul.

It was so surreal to be discussing Aunt Tisha's funeral requests. I asked him about what she would wear and if Mom and I needed to go shopping. He said that she wanted to wear something from her closet. I also asked if we needed to buy anything for him and he said the same for himself. He began to speak about pallbearers and asked Dad how the boys would feel about it. He said that he would leave the decision up to them. Paula called the funeral home to let them know that someone would probably be calling in the next few days. She also started to gather items that she had requested be buried with her: an angel, a cross, her bible, her favorite cards and letters from friends and family. She is holding a framed picture of Sawyer. I put in three of his pictures and wrote, "God Bless you GAT, and may you rest in peace" on the back. Uncle Larry asked if I could speak at the funeral. I was so honored that he would ask me. I had secretly been thinking of what I would say if I were asked. I then started to pray for the strength to do that final thing for her. It felt so strange and wrong to be doing these things and thinking this way before she was even gone but in all honesty it gave me something to think about, a task to accomplish at a time when I felt like there was nothing that I could do.

Dad drove back to VV Thursday night to get some clothes for us. He stopped by to let the dogs out and to get my clothes from Larry and Velma's. Dad later told me that when their father was dying the doctors all told them to go home, that there wasn't anything that they could do. He said that Aunt Tisha didn't want to go but that he persuaded her. Papa died thirty minutes after they left. He said that he would stay however long that I wanted to be with her.

Thursday night was more of the same. A new nurse, Marcia, came in around 8:00. I didn't like this nurse as much as Sharon. She mostly sat outside of Aunt Tisha's bedroom and didn't encourage us to come in and sit like Sharon. Looking back I guess that was because the end was approaching. Renee was still helping as much as she could. The rest of us chatted and tried to pass the time.

Friday came and Aunt Avis and her daughter Janis came to visit. Aunt Avis is Dad's only living aunt. She was married to one of Nana's brothers. She and Aunt Tisha had grown close over the years. Aunt Tisha would meet her at First Colony Mall for lunch from time to time. I think that was Friday, but to tell the truth it may have been Thursday. The days kind of jumbled up around that time.

That morning a new nurse named Cynthia came to help. She was very sweet too. Mom and I went to Kroger to buy groceries. We came back and Uncle Larry told us that there hadn't been this much food in their house over the last thirty years! I remember that we kept offering Cynthia something to eat and she kept saying no, but she would finally cave and take some chocolate chip cookies. I even brought her some while she was on her way out.

I went into the room around 6:30 to get Renee for a call from VITAS that she had received. I wish that I hadn't because it was not a sight that I want to remember. Shortly after that Dad had mentioned that he wanted to go in to see her but I subtly suggested that he not go in and I'm glad that I did since she passed away so soon after that.

I never even got the name of the next nurse who came in. She got there around 7:30 and Aunt Tisha passed away at 8:05. I felt really bad for her because she had to stay and do all of the paperwork. She had to wait for the coroner to come and officially pronounce and everything else that goes along with someone dying. I know she does it for a living but she just looked really uncomfortable the entire time.

Mom, Paula, George, and I were sitting in the breakfast nook. Paula said that she was staying at her house that night so she was getting ready to leave. Dad was sitting in the living room with Uncle Larry. I saw Renee come out. I'd been holding my breath, watching that particular door open and close for the past three days, wondering if this time would be THE time. She whispered something to Dad. She put her hand on his shoulder and I just knew. I walked in while she was telling Uncle Larry. I heard her say that they were unable to find a heartbeat. It was such a strange moment of release mixed with pain and sorrow. It was finally over. She would never hurt again.

Soon after that I went in and said a prayer at her bedside. I thanked God for taking her quickly and asked that he watch over our family during this difficult time. I chose an outfit from her closet. I chose the outfit that she wore to Sawyer's baptism party the previous summer. I also remember seeing her wear this particular outfit a few other times too so I knew it was one of her favorites.

Mom, Dad, and I went to Matthew's and Jackie's house so that we could tell them in person. They seemed to know what Dad was going to say even before he said it. We didn't spend too long there so that we could get back to the house.

AT was still there when we got back. The coroner had come and gone and we were waiting for the funeral home representatives to get there. I found it really ironic that they asked that we leave the room when they wheeled her body to the car waiting outside. I will not go into detail here, but death is ugly. There is little to no dignity left at that point. I didn't see why I had to leave the room to watch her blanket-covered body be wheeled out when I was in the room while the nurses were doing everything that they could do to make her comfortable over the past three days. The worst part was over in my opinion.

We stayed at the house again Friday night. I hadn't seen Sawyer in over twenty-four hours and it was pure anguish. I was so torn between wanting to be with him and wanting to be at Aunt Tisha's house. I wish that I'd gone to VV because I think that I slept about two hours that night. Saturday morning Uncle Larry, Dad, George, and Paula went to the funeral home to make arrangements. Mom and I stayed at the house to answer the phone and take care of some loose ends. Looking back I wish that I could have gone to the funeral home so that I could have seen her one last time. I guess that even if I had I would still be wishing for that "one last time."

It was decided that the services would be the next day, Palm Sunday, at 10 a.m. I was worried that there wouldn't be many people in attendance since it was Palm Sunday. I guess that we will never know one way or the other. I couldn't say for sure how many people were there but there were quite a few.

The funeral home e-mailed Uncle Larry the obituary they had written based on the information they had been given that morning. Uncle Larry asked that I proofread it and send it back in time to be published. Mom and I spent about forty-five minutes reading and re-reading the document, making sure that everything was correct. I mailed it back and met Lorne and Sawyer at Ty and Jamie's house.

I crashed once I got there but it was a strange feeling of adrenaline and exhaustion. I couldn't relax for the life of me. I am not much of a relaxed person to begin with, but this was so much worse. We all went to dinner together and I felt like I did when Sawyer was first born and I was only sleeping two hours at a time. I also felt kind of out of touch with reality after spending the past three days in AT's house day in and day out.

I was so glad to see Sawyer again. I don't think that he even noticed that I was gone! I think that his daddy and his grandparents did a great job of taking care of him. Not that I was worried or anything. :)

The funeral was on Sunday. Lorne, Matthew, and Mark were among the honorary pallbearers. I didn't know until we got there that Sawyer was one as well. I left him home with Lorne's dad. Had I known I may have brought him to the funeral. I guess that Lorne could have held him while he stood with the others behind the casket. I was too worried about what would happen if he started to cry or wanted me to hold him while I was speaking.

I was the first to speak at the service and I was very pleased at how composed I was. All I can say is that Aunt Tisha must have been reading over my shoulder, guiding me and giving me the strength to get through my eulogy. I am going to post what I wrote and also what Uncle Larry wrote in another post.

I was so disappointed when I spoke with the gentleman from the funeral home and found out that he never received my updated copy of the obituary. I don't understand why he wouldn't have called and asked if we were going to send it or not. I blame sleep deprivation on me not calling myself to be sure that it was received.

I sent the updated version to all of AT's friends in her address book. I felt like it was the least that I could do. How bad does it look for an educator of over thirty years to have typos and grammatical errors in her obituary? I was so aggravated but I just keep telling myself that I have to get over it and move on.