Twenty Random Thoughts

Here are twenty random things about me that you may or may not know (or care) about. :) I got the idea from my friend Jen's website:

I am afraid of heights.
I have to cut my sandwiches and hamburgers in half and take one bite as soon as I cut them.
I wish that we lived closer to our families.
I have to turn off my AC and raise the tilt in my Tahoe before I get out each time.
I worry all the time about meaningless things.
I once weighed 273.8 pounds.
I am a perfectionist but also a procrastinator...go figure! I wait until the last minute to do things because I'm afraid they won't come out perfectly.
I haven't gotten over the trauma of Sawyer's birth and not holding him until he was almost eight hours old.
I once waited a week to open my mail because I couldn't find the letter opener and I have to have it to open the mail.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and have trouble standing up for myself.
I eat ketchup on all sorts of things like tacos, scrambled eggs, fried okra and squash, and potato chips.
I hate my thighs.
I am proud of myself for having two college degrees.
I hate when people use their/there, your/you're, to/too, and its/it's incorrectly.
I hate it even more if/when I do! :)
I have to use scissors to cut open packages. I can't just rip open a bag.
I know that I interrupt people when I am talking with them but I don't know how to stop.
I would do anything for my family.
I don't have any idea how to budget.
I love Sawyer more than my own life.

Life Goes On

We had a quiet weekend at home which was a welcome change from the previous week. I had Sawyer out ten separate times which is more than he is usually out for an entire month. I don't think that he really cared at the time, but he's not back to his two nap schedule like he was before and I attribute that to our unpredictable week. I HAVE to get him to nap in his crib. This morning the Terminix man came right after he had fallen asleep on me downstairs. Rosie started barking up a storm and he woke right up. I tried to get him back down but to no avail. He did nap in his crib for an hour this afternoon, but he usually naps 1 1/2 hours in both the morning and afternoon. The roof guy is coming tomorrow to finalize the contract so there's another interruption. I guess if it's not one thing it's something else.

Sunday is laundry day around here and the utility room is where I kept Maggie's litter box and food and water bowls. There's also a cat door. I couldn't decide if it would be tougher to go in there all day and see all of her stuff or go ahead and pack it and see the empty room. I decided to go with the latter and packed up her toys, Littermaid, and food bowls. I'm going to donate her carrier and leftover food to the Wylie Animal Shelter. Mom and Dad were able to take her Advantage for their cats so that worked out well. I called to schedule a carpet cleaning for this Thursday so if they can remove the stains it will be like she never lived here if it weren't for her fur still all over the place. The vet called this morning and said that I could pick up her urn but I think that I will do that tomorrow on our way home from the dentist. I wrote Dr. Welch a thank you note and baked a butter cake. They really treated Maggie as if she were one of their own. I will definitely be taking Rosie there from now on.

Sawyer had a pediatrician appointment amid all the craziness of last week. I really don't want to get into how it went. I will just say that we're going for a two-week follow-up and I am giving her one more chance. If it doesn't go well I'm changing pediatricians.

I didn't get to go to Curves at all last week and I Lorne will probably be home in time today but I just don't feel like it. I'm still in my pajamas at 4:20, how sad is that? It's just that it's pretty chilly here and my pjs are so comfy. I think that we're going to Home Depot when Lorne gets home to get a thermometer for Sawyer's room. I want to make sure that the house is warm enough for him but not too warm.

Here are some pictures of the little man. Saturday morning as I was changing him I put my face in front of his to mimic his babbling like I always do but this morning was different. He placed a tiny little hand on each of my cheeks as if to say, "It's all right Mommy." I know that it will be. It's just going to take me a little time.


Sawyer started checking out our faces this weekend.


This is what happened once he realized I was behind the camera.


His onesie reads (future) Slugger. He was sporting it for the Astros.


This was a rare moment when he actually stretched his legs instead of having them scrunched up next to his body.

I was able to leave a comment so maybe it will work for ya'll. I'd LOVE to hear from you!

Maggie Mae 1998-2005

Maggie, Miss Mags, Maggie Mae, Magsers Mae, Maggielee Mae, Munchkin Mae, Magatha, Fat Cat, Lardo, Rhino Rump, Pig Belly (guess which ones are from Lorne). No matter what we called her there was no mistaking what a wonderful cat she was. We found out yesterday afternoon that the tumor was malignant and that she had Lymphosarcoma and her prognosis was guarded to poor with poor being the worst news, like Stage IV in humans. Dr. Welch said that she wouldn't recommend chemo and Prednisone would only sustain her life for 45-60 days at best. She wasn't keeping any food down and had already lost three pounds. I know it's TMI, but we got to bring her home Thursday night and she vomited up some of her stomach lining overnight. I had to bring her back because of the vomiting and they put her back on IV fluids and five medications. She was also becoming anemic.

We decided to take her before it got even worse so we had her put to sleep yesterday evening. It was without a doubt one of the hardest things I have ever done and will ever do. I got to hold her for over an hour before it was done so I got to say goodbye. This was not a rash decision by any means. I had been thinking about it all week, ever since Monday when she told me to prepare for the worst. All I kept thinking was that it is no way to live, wondering each and every day if this was going to be the day that she would die. Dr. Welch said that chances were we would have to make this decision before she would die on her own anyway, so at this point I felt like it would be delaying the inevitable. We're having her cremated and I will be able to go and get her ashes early next week.

I strongly believe that people, and animals for that matter, come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Maggie came into my life for a reason. Lorne got her for me so that I wouldn't be lonely, but I will never be lonely again because God has blessed me with the most precious baby boy and he is the center of my life. I am still really hurting, but holding him is healing in itself. His smile can brighten even the darkest of days. Maybe one day he'll want a kitty of his own and then we'll have another reason to give a small part of our hearts to another bundle of fur.

You Just Never Know

We've had quite a week around here and it's only Wednesday. My cat Maggie started vomiting sometime over the weekend. I hate that I can't remember exactly when, but I have this little guy named Sawyer who takes up quite a bit of my time as I'm sure you can imagine. I also noticed Saturday morning that she still had food which I thought was strange since she usually polishes off her half a cup overnight and is soon begging for more if, heaven forbid, she has to wait a few minutes for someone to feed her. I took her to the Wylie vet Monday morning since she was still vomiting. Dr. Welch asked me if she could have ingested something poisonous or otherwise. I told her that I could tell her the last time Sawyer peed, pooped, coughed, or sneezed, but I had no idea about Maggie. I felt so guilty because she has really gone down in the pecking order since Sawyer was born, much like everything and everyone else in my life. I was surprised when Dr. Welch said that she was dehydrated and that they needed to keep her and start her on IV fluids. I just figured she would get a shot like Lorne did once when we had to take him to the emergency room because he wouldn't stop vomiting. It was even more shocking when she called soon after I got home requesting to do some X-rays. She called back to tell me that she found a mass the size of an orange in her abdomen. My body went cold and felt like I was dreaming. How could this have happened? She was just at the vet for her shots on August 31st! She told me that there wasn't anything that I could have done and that she would have taken the same measures with her cats. I started to wonder if the vet could have found anything in August. I took her to the vet in Sachse where I get her groomed. I asked if they could do her shots while they had her and they agreed. I know that I paid for an exam but I don't know how thorough an exam was administered as I wasn't there. I always drop her off in the morning to be groomed and pick her up that afternoon. Dr. Welch said that there was no way of knowing how long it had been growing. She also said that she had to really feel around to find it since she's such a big cat. I just can't believe that she only became symptomatic this weekend.

They couldn't do surgery until yesterday because she was so dehydrated. I was on pins and needles all day. Lorne took the afternoon off so that he could be with me when I got the call. All they would tell me was that they would do the surgery between 12-3 and that they would call me during the surgery to let me know what they found. She told me to "prepare for the worst" so I had imagined every scenario in my mind. They finally called around 2:30 and told me that it was a tumor that was attached to her kidney and that they had removed the kidney and the tumor which they thought appeared cancerous. They recommended having it sent to pathology to ascertain if it is malignant. She said that there appeared to be no metastasis but that she could only look and obviously not see on the cellular level. We have to wait five to seven business days to hear back from pathology.

We went to see her that evening and she was very drugged up. She looked terrible. Her front legs were shaved where they inserted the catheter and IV. There was a square patch shaved off her back for a pain patch. Her pink belly had been completely shaved to the point of baldness. She has a huge incision with crude stitches and was wearing a collar around her neck so that she couldn't remove them. She looked much worse than she did when I brought her in. That tumor and its destruction had been well hidden before but there was no longer any mistaking the hell she had just been through.

The crazy thing about all of this is that her blood work is very misleading and shows that her kidney function is normal. Her white blood cell count is also normal so I am praying that means that there is no cancer. Lorne and I have already talked about the possibility of chemo and decided that we wouldn't do chemo on a cat. I just don't want her to suffer and I don't want to prolong the inevitable either. I know that it will be a horribly difficult decision to make, but as my mother-in-law says I won't "borrow trouble." I'll wait and see what pathology says.

She was acting happier when I went to see her today. She has lost about three pounds, though, and she still isn't eating on her own. They are having to force feed her twice a day to make sure that she can keep it down and so far so good. She may be able to come home tomorrow. I have to call in the morning to see how she did during the night. They also have to decide if she isn't eating for medical reasons or because she wants to go home. They said that some animals will begin to eat once they are back in the comfort of their own homes. I know that I am ready for her to be here again. I keep seeing her in all of her favorite spots: our bed, closet, sunning on the stairs, the back of Rosie's chair, Sawyer's changing table. She even runs her paws under the nursery door from time to time when I'm in there feeding Sawyer. She always sleeps at my left hip so it's been lonely these past couple of nights.

Lorne bought her for me at Post Oak Pets in College Station on March 25, 1998. He had just graduated from A&M and moved to Dallas the previous December. He got her for me so that I wouldn't be lonely. Needless to say she was like my child for over seven years. I love her dearly and want her to get well soon. Mom asked that I put this in perspective and remember that it could be Sawyer or a family member who is sick. I understand where she is coming from but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I just hate that this has happened to her. I have kept all of her records over the years and she had tapeworms when she was a kitten and was spayed and declawed but other than that she has only been to the vet for her yearly shots. This has just come completely out of the blue. Mom is right, I have to enjoy the time that we have left. It could be ten days or ten years, there is really no way of knowing. Such is life. The funny thing is my friend Kristy called to tell me that her daughter Kaitlin Grace had been born that morning. I heard the sound of the Caller ID as we hung up and it was the vet's office calling with the news.

None of us know how long we have to be with those we love. That's why it is so important that we tell our loved ones how we feel about them as often as we can. Life is precious and we only get to live it once.


Lorne took this picture last April right after we bought the camera. She sat on my lap a lot while I was pregnant. It was like she knew.

Time To Recommit

I gained two pounds this week at weigh-in. :( I just let myself go after Laura's shower last weekend. I bought petit fours at Casa Linda bakery which is where Courtney ordered the cake of which I consumed THREE pieces!! It was just sooo good! Was it worth it? I haven't decided. :) This was my first week to have to pay since he was born. I had a coupon so I'm paying $9.50 instead of $12 which I hate since I already gave WW over $1,000 I'm guessing the first time around.

I've been giving Sawyer the Xantac all week and he hates it! I try to smile at him and talk to him while I'm giving it to him to try and keep him happy but it doesn't always work. I think he's on to me! He closes his mouth tighter than the hatch on Lost. Not to mention I give it to him on his changing table upstairs and now he's crying while he's lying there. Coincidence? I don't know, but I hate that he may have gone Pavlovian on me about this whole deal. We go back on Thursday so I guess that I will give it to him until then. I just don't know how much he's getting. I think he spits most of it out. He's also blowing raspberries now so it ends up being a virtual grape shower all over the nursery. I've decided that our son just isn't a big eater like some other babies. Maybe that will all change once we start solids. I'm hoping that we will be able to do that next weekend.

Maybe he will take some formula from Lorne this weekend. I haven't tried for the past couple of days. A lady at Curves said that I may have waited too long but I think that we just have to give it time. Speaking of Curves, I went this morning and there was a lady there that I hadn't seen since Sawyer was born since I don't go in the mornings anymore. Anyway, her granddaughter was born August 6th and weighs SIXTEEN pounds and is 25 inches long!! That's enormous!! She was in the 100th percentile at two months. She's also breastfed which just blows my mind. Before Sawyer was born all I heard was that breastfed babies are smaller because they are able to regulate exactly how much they eat, blah, blah, blah. Why do I feel like I am surrounded by enormous breastfed babies? OK, I will stop complaining. I have a wonderful son who is the joy of my life. I know he will be big soon enough. I'm just tired of comparing him to every baby ever born but I just can't help myself. It doesn't mean that I love little Awy any less, but I don't know how to stop.

I tried to get him to nap in his crib yesterday. That was fun! I spent forty-five minutes rocking him, he slept for forty-five minutes, and then started crying, so I brought him downstairs where he slept on me for another forty-five minutes. Part of me really wants him to learn to nap in his crib and the other part of me doesn't want to let go of our naptime together. I think the crib would be best, though, because he's starting to be more and more aware of his surroundings so he's waking up to sounds he used to sleep through like me talking on the phone. I think that I'll try and get him to have his morning nap in his crib and then let him have his afternoon nap on me and gradually move to having both upstairs. I'm so happy that he's on a little schedule. I don't know if I have anything to do with that, but I'd like to think that I do. I keep thinking back to how he would only sleep a few hours in his crib at night. Now I put him down between 7-8 and he usually sleeps until 4-5. Then I feed him and put him back down and he sleeps until 7:30-8:00. That's another big difference too. I used to have to come downstairs with him around 5:30-6:00 and he would sleep on me until it was time to eat again. All of that shows me that he will eventually nap in his crib. I just need to give him time.

I hope that everyone has a good weekend. We're off to Fishmonger's for lunch once the little man gets up from his nap...on his daddy. :)

Sawyer is Four Months (plus two days) Old!

Here's the latest picture of our little man. He seems to be changing on a daily basis. He has started making this high pitched noise and laughing. Last night I laid him in his crib and his legs were pointed the opposite direction by the time I went back to check on him. He's started turning on his left side while he's on his playmat and on his changing table upstairs. I think it will just be a matter of time until he is rolling over.

Rick and Priscilla came over Sunday afternoon. They watched the Cowboys and the Astros games with us and spent time with Sawyer. This was their first time to see him since the weekend we brought him home from the hospital. I can't believe how quickly time flies. I find myself thinking of time in the context of when Sawyer was born and whether something happened before or after that amazing day. I guess that I will always do that from now on.


I think that he's getting this picture taking thing down!


Rick held Sawyer until he got mad and then he quickly handed him off.

Laura's Shower

I went to Laura's baby shower at her house on Saturday. It was my first outing without Sawyer other than running errands. I kept checking my cell phone and my thoughts kept straying to my little man. Courtney was one of the hostesses. She flew into town Friday morning and stayed with us until Sunday morning. I felt really bad for her because Sawyer was still feeling bad after his shots so he was in a pretty bad mood while she was here. He didn't even really want Lorne holding him Friday or Saturday. I didn't even get a picture of her with him because he kept crying when she held him.

I pumped while I was gone and only got two ounces so that's what led me to go to A Mother's Gift yesterday. I am so discouraged because I can remember when Sawyer was six weeks and younger and I could pump enough (and then some) for his feedings each time. I have so much regret about my left side not working well anymore. It makes me feel like half a person sometimes. I feel like I've been robbed of the true breastfeeding experience.

It was great to see Laura again. I really hope that we can spend more time together as our kids get older. It would be fun to be able to get together with her and trade stories. I hope that she calls me once her baby is born because I am dying to be able to be an "expert" to someone. This motherhood gig is really trial by fire. Some days I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing but I just go with it! :)

Here are some pictures from the shower:


Laura with the hostesses Courtney and Monica.


It feels like just yesterday when I took a picture like this with Courtney and Melissa at my shower.


The proud parents-to-be Laura and Lyndon.

Mommy Knows Best?

Sawyer had his four-month well visit on Thursday. He weighed 13 pounds 6 ounces and was 24 inches long. That makes him in the 50th percentile for his weight and the 25th percentile for his height. She said that everything looked great with him. I still wish that he could be bigger. I KNOW that the 50th percentile is right where he should be, in the middle, but I can't shake the idea that he would be bigger if the breastfeeding were going better. I told Dr. Darrow about how he pulls off from time to time and she ascertained that he might have reflux. I had a hard time hearing her over Sawyer's crying. I had to undress him to have him weighed and for the exam so he wasn't happy at all. It wasn't until I got home and did some reading that I decided that I'm not sure that he even has reflux. He's never vomited and he spits up maybe three times a week. She gave us a prescription for Xantac and he cries and cries when I give it to him twice a day. I HATE that he has to get so upset.

I called the pediatrician's office again today because we went to A Mother's Gift yesterday for another pre and post. I was feeling that my supply might be down and that might be why he keeps pulling off. He got four ounces total and that's not good considering that he needs 35 ounces total based on his current weight. He only eats six or seven times a day so even if he gets four ounces each time that's not enough for him. Today I tried to supplement with formula for peace of mind but he wouldn't take a bottle. That's something that I hadn't planned on. I think tomorrow I will start out with half an ounce instead of a full ounce. I think that it will be a slow process since he's so accustomed to breastmilk at this point.

We're going back for a follow-up a week from Thursday. I guess that I will keep giving him the Xantac because the nurse said that it wouldn't hurt him. I'm hoping that we can start cereal after that appointment. I know that I'll feel better about his weight once we can start cereal too. I just don't think he has reflux in my heart-of-hearts. I think that he's teething and my supply is down and that's why he's pulling off. I feel like everyone I talk to describes a baby with reflux as one who is extremely fussy and doesn't sleep well. Sawyer sleeps seven to nine hours straight these days so I don't think reflux is what's wrong. He's been congested for the past couple of days so I think that might be part of the problem too.

Sawyer Slept TEN Hours!

I couldn't believe it when I awoke at 6:00 this morning and Sawyer was still asleep. I heard him on the monitor around midnight but he fell back asleep. I woke up at 4:00 and remember thinking that I needed to pump but I fell asleep instead. I pumped for five minutes at 6:00 instead and got almost three ounces! I really wish that I would have pumped earlier because you don't know uncomfortable until your son hasn't nursed in almost eleven hours! I'll just leave it at that! :)

Speaking of nursing, he's been on quite a nursing strike lately. One of my books says that it can happen "even to non-union babies" which I thought was pretty cute. It seems like he's just not quite as hungry these days but he's driving me crazy! I guess the good thing about him sleeping so long last night is that he's actually nursed well today. It's going to be one of my questions at his four-month well-visit on Thursday. The main question is when he can start cereal. Lorne is hounding me about wanting to feed him. I've already promised him that when Sawyer does start solids his father will be the first to feed him. Of course I have been reading on the subject and there is quite a bit of research to support waiting until at least six months to introduce solids as a baby can survive on breastmilk or formula alone for the first six months. One of the main reasons is due to food allergies. Lorne and I talked about it and his food allergies were pretty mild and I didn't have any so hopefully we will get the green light from Dr. Darrow to give it a try. I know that we can start without her blessing but I will feel better after I hear her side of the argument.

It looks like my daily posts have turned into weekly ones. I try my best to keep up but the days really get away from me. Once Lorne gets home I'm usually running off to Curves at least three times a week. When I get home we usually walk Rosie or I am needing to feed Sawyer again. Dinner is thrown in there somewhere even though I am still rarely cooking. I'm bathing Sawyer every other day now so we do that too (I'm posting a cute bathtub picture today). I'm trying to go to bed after I feed him the last time so I try and shower before that last feeding. Long story short I don't have much time to blog if I don't get to it during the day which is what I am trying to do today. Sawyer's hanging out in his swing. He is still liking it as best as I can tell. He seems to be getting bored with his bouncer though which is not cool since it gets us through mealtime most nights. He's started turning on his side as if he's trying to escape.

I'm in the process of trying to get our roof replaced. We lost quite a few shingles from the high winds a couple of weekends ago. State Farm came out Friday and said that it only needed repaired which means that we wouldn't meet our $1500 deductible. I find that ironic since they actually totaled the same roof in 2003 after a hail storm. Lorne and his dad only replaced a few shingles instead of replacing the entire roof. It seems like shingles are always falling off so that's why we're going to shell out the money to replace it. I wish now that we had done it three years ago but there's not much we can do about that now. I've called four roofing companies about estimates and am waiting for them to call me back so that we can schedule. I got the numbers from State Farm's "Premiere List" so I am hoping that they are reputable and dependable. We have one estimate so far but it was from someone who just left us their card so I don't know anything about them or their reputation which makes me uneasy. I'm hoping that we can have a new roof by next week. I love the experience of getting to wait on them to call to schedule, wait for them to get here, and then wait some more once we schedule the actual roofing. Fun, fun!

I lost again last week so I have lost 15 pounds total! I just got a call from Lisa who works for Weight Watchers in Florida. She wanted to put me in Self magazine. I had to tell her that I'm not at goal and that I just had a baby. She said for me to call her when I get back to goal. I can't believe that it was just this time last year when I was at goal and waiting to be in the Weight Watchers magazine and book. The funny thing is that I was already pregnant in my "after" picture that's in the magazine. Lorne took it at Laura's wedding and I had just taken my first home pregnancy test that morning. What a difference a year makes!

Here are some more pictures of the little man:


Here's a rated G version of Sawyer's first bubble bath.


Sawyer's started sticking out his tongue at us. I think that he's just realized that he has one!


Trask's site gave Lorne the idea to show how Sawyer is like HIS daddy. Since it was Sunday it was football, football, football!


He's such a photogenic little baby!